Us Against the Hurt

In a moment of weakness My mother asked me "Was I not good to you?" And I didn't know how to respond I guess I wanted to say "I don't know" And I guess I wish I'd asked Were you good to my sister? Were you good to that little girl forced to grow up too soon? When she cried herself to sleep In her crib Not old enough to know or really understand why And you were unconscious somewhere Maybe in your bed Maybe on the couch Maybe on the floor Maybe you were still at the pub And the neighbours would pound at the door And yell And of course they kind of knew what was going on But they'd never tell I guess the fate of the little girl next door Was never much more Than conversation at the dinner table In between football scores and "how was your day at school, honey?" Were you good to that little girl Afraid to go to the bathroom at night 'Cause waking you up Was enough for a beating But a filthy sheet was enough for a bigger one Were you good to that little girl Who suddenly had a baby brother And a new father And then Were you good to me A newborn boy who couldn't stop crying And my ten year old sister cried with me While you were shaking me And yelling at me Were you good to my sister When you'd pull her out of bed at night To deal with the baby Were you good to us When we could never know the rules When we could never know If you'd still love us tomorrow If you'd still love us when you came home But sure You were good to us You made sure we were always well dressed Our hair well combed But still we felt dirty and unworthy We were the best thing in your life Some days, your only pride But still felt we needed to hide "Should've been aborted" You said "A fucking accident" You said Why did that little girl Not a bad bone in her body Have to hurt so much Just because she couldn't grow up fast enough To make you happy 'Cause she could never get it right But how could she get it right How do you follow rules that change over night? But sure You were good to us We always had food on the table But we were never able To hear the love in your words To understand all the hurts You took the word "mother" And turned it into a dirty one And how fucking dare you do that? Why the f*ck did we grow up always getting told We were spoiled We were lucky We were blessed Not just from you Other grown ups too How fucking dared they let us believe the fight we were fighting was just That it wasn't just You being a fucking narcissist You made us feel like we had to work to be loved That it was not a right but a privilege And even if it was pushing us to the ledge And cause we knew we didn't have a mother We made a pledge To each other We learnt that real family is the family you choose Not something to use There's no excusing That you made us feel unworthy of love Like it was something we had to earn That there were rules we had to learn 'Cause that's not what love is supposed to be And now were all grown-up and we still struggle to see That we're loved And that we no longer have to fight What gave you the fucking right To create people Who might never be able To feel fully safe Always looking over our shoulder Always fearing people will grow colder Learning to spin yarns To just get held in someone's arms Just giving and giving and giving 'Till they realise we no longer keep their world spinning When will we stop feeling like a burden To feel like we deserve the hurting Were you good to us When you made us apologise For ruining your dreams and your life When you'd twist the metaphorical knife To make sure we'd never soar To keep us on the ground Don't make a sound And I'll be fair We had good days too Feeling like we were walking on air Fun times where for a brief moment the love felt real But we'll never heal From always knowing it would never last That the love and the joy would fade fast And sure We appreciate the joy harder when the rest is terror When we don't know if you care or If this is our last laugh We'll always feel half Why did you condemn my sister to being the adult Who never got to be anything else And why am I forced to be the clown Scared life will someday get real And after all this I wish I could say that I hate you We wish we could say that we hate you But we can't even do that The love my sister and I share Is bigger and more real than you could ever understand And every time I call her "sister" I hope she knows how much I missed her When the mother we shared Kept us apart How it broke my heart But now it's as always Us against the world we left But we're not alone 'Cause we've found new homes With each other and the friends we've made family Finally starting to believe in love infinity You were supposed to be our hero The one safe spot in the world I have friends who tell me their parent is their best friend Their safest port Their first and last resort But I didn't know what feeling safe meant 'till I was already 22 And you you you you you You seem to have forgotten it all now Pretending we're the bad kids and you don't understand how We can be so angry But the truth is We're not even angry We're just done being the grown-ups who hold this family together Done never knowing whether Or not You'd find a way To ruin another good day Say something horrible We've decided we wanna be okay You made loving you the hardest thing we had to do And now that we've left you behind I think you'll find The final victim is you In a moment of weakness My mother asked me "Was I not good to you?" And I replied "I guess you did your best" And that's the end of it But I know I only ever felt rest When she pulled my sister out of bed at night to deal with the baby And she'd sing to me The psalms she learned in choir And I'd get quiet And I'd finally know peace And it was just her and I In our own little world Us against the hurt