origin story

If I'm not in control I think I'm in hell I'm not sick anymore but I'm sure not well I may have learned to swim before I jumped the ship But what didn't kill me made me wish it did And I was at a house party last weekend This guy said he recognized me and I couldn't place his face and on mine I think he could see I said "I'm sorry, it must've been 2019" Glossing over trauma and smacking my lips 'Cause how could you be wounded when you look like this? Selective deafness and it feels like shit And does your illness count if everybody is sick? But I'm not a quitter, a bit committer Raised with a pack and the bite of my sisters But they're taking names and rewriting the rules And I haven't let my hair down since middle school And I can't feel full without overflowing Normal human processes I'm ignoring At the mercy of my candor and everything I stand for For reasons I don't believe A narcissist, a fucking hypocrite, but I don't wanna be Between a rock and a feeling I don't wanna face And it's hard to talk about but harder to relate I'm not walking straight but I'm walking a line Like my own demise could be a DUI Crying on the bathroom floor What's one more night on empty? My friend's voices drown through this door I'm pretty sure they all fake-like me I'm not better, I'm a catfish I never shrunk, I swear I just vanished Into Diet Coke, anything to smoke At least my lungs could feel full I justify the unjustifiable I think restraint makes me more likeable To girls I'll never meet and guys who don't know my name I hope that they go home and think "God, that stranger looked great today" Stop. Check. Why'd we say that? What's my intention? What's the lesson? What's the use? Self-therapize into obsession but I still find an excuse To count, to drown, rebound to bad mouthing myself It's been 18 months but I would still save face over my health "Shut up." Okay. Give me credit I'm not my past in the present It sounds like nothing but I do the hard things Won the war fought over my flesh I wanna reclaim cities, wanna not feel guilty Keep the lights on when I have sex 'Cause if you're not recovering you're just dying And it's hard to give it everything, but I'm trying To be the things I preach and to believe things I can't see But I swear I caught the plague and no one thinks it's a disease If I haven't got it down by now, will I ever? Introducing myself like you haven't met her Over and over I'll swear I'm new Just to shrink in what I grew into I might be happily resurrected It's not skin and bones, don't you get it? I still feel whole when I feel hungry Can I ever outlive my origin story? I can't feel full without compensating I can't bear to flood so I drain it At the mercy of my logic and everything I've promised For reasons I don't believe A narcissist, a fucking hypocrite, but I don't wanna be