Deteriorating

I'm overdosing as I'm overthinking Overwhelming myself and bottling all this shit up inside me Tryna hide shit but they can see that I'm slowly falling apart, from this chaos inside my mind I'm losing it, losing my shit And ending my relationships Unhealed trauma, and everyday I keep reliving it It gets triggered by anything Running from myself, I'm a walking contradiction Everyday having thoughts about ending my existence Living a early life crisis, but it feels like my death is around the corner And I never leave my house and so I live life as a loner And I can't tell my friends how I feel I don't why I don't call them Yet, I don't feel like talking with anyone I'm trapping myself, further in my head Suppressing myself I'm really done, feels like my mind is gone At this point I just might drink a bottle of alcohol until my heart stops Having this permanent feeling of dread lingering inside of me constantly Causing me to wanna rid me of myself, and suicide's been on my mind recently It feels like I'm set to suffer eternally Praying to God every night before I sleep Hope I get a spark of bliss in my dreams But instead demons whisper in my ears And next I'm living my nightmares Trapped inside my head, glance right and left of myself I Feel like mentally crippled, I feel pain when I try to talk When I try communicate, I just feel like I'm on restraints Hoping to spit these words out, but I bottle and swallow them 'Cause younger me when I did that it was handled by violence And emotions trapped inside of me depleted my confidence And with time I started noticing how it affected my consciousness Slowly breaking me mentally, driving me off the deep end Coping with substances that my body cannot handle till I'm sleeping What an awful feeling I'm suffocating Don't know if I'm gonna make it I feel like my soul is fading And I don't wanna die young All I really ever wanted was only to live peacefully Cause I've been getting tired of fighting myself recently Caught up, stuck in my mental, mentally deteriorating Starting to see my thoughts as reality that I'm facing Suffering delusions, getting harder everyday and time given I waste As death I contemplate My past is unforgiven, and so now I have been forsaken Left with nothing but my thoughts eating up all my patience