Paranoid

I always miss the leaves in November It reminds me of a day I don't remember much about It must have been years ago by now I'm addicted to music and caffeine I must have been since I was just 15 years old How was I supposed to know That the consequences of my own actions would follow Expensive late fees on lies I had to borrow 'Cause every time I turn around to try I'm terrified by what I see in my periphery But maybe that's just me I've been staying up way past my bedtime Rearranging my room after midnight these days I didn't need the sleep anyways I'll try to leave my house to get groceries I don't know why it's been so hard for me but I guess There's been days when I've done less I should stop getting so much takeout I've gotten the same thing for days in a row now from the same place They probably know me by name It's been the first good day I've had in ages But even then, I wonder what the catch is for peace It's so unfamiliar to me I'm not ashamed to admit I'm struggling I'm paranoid I can't avoid the pain 'Cause every time I turn around to try I'm terrified by what I see in my periphery It's killing me Thanks for asking, I'm not okay I really wanted to die the other day I'll say through tears But that's not what you wanted to hear (no no no no no no) I can't help but expect the worst All my life, if there's one thing I've learnt it's to brace myself Thanks for asking, I need help I'm not ashamed to admit I'm struggling I'm paranoid I can't avoid the pain