trapped behind the page (feat. LRNX)

I don't know if it's seasonal depression Or depression hold the season Like chicken without seasoning Where's the flavor in life I like to blame my demise on the pandemic But I think my fall began years before Santiago in the alchemist Searching our destiny years before Before we were born Before our mothers wombs were torn Bodies ripped open For new life to enter this world We leave this world the same way we came in Ever in search of our destinies What if we feel like this because it's already been fulfilled in our previous life Or what if we're preparing for our after life What would it feel like to close my eyes And never wake up Sometimes, I wonder If death is rest's sister Or if life is rest's killer Sometimes, I wonder Will life's exhaustion ever end Or will it reproduce every sunrise Sometimes, I want to lay here forever Behind this smile lies pain That only my poems will speak on This is no woman's complain But a poet's quatrain Dark thoughts twist into a migraine My beautiful dark twisted fantasy I can't seem to find the voice So I let the pen do the talking A burnt out teacher thinking She can change a broken system is a fool Like the fall of Detroit schools Around every corner I see depression walking He creaks on school floors Hides behind classroom doors Stares back at you from his blank stare Stops doing his homework and Starts pouring vodka in his water bottle Because even if he tries the system laughs at his face Tell him he's a disgrace That he'll never make it past the 10th grade Around every corner I see depression walking She creaks on kitchen floors Hides behind closed doors Hear my mother's cries thru thin walls Find my brother in his car Battling his own war Head hung over the wheel Thought the alcohol would heal Tried to drink himself to death Says he just can't take life anymore Sometimes, I read my poems And the page catches tears I think of my mother's broken dreams And I try not to weep I think of the pain he birthed in me That no western medicine can abort Whether it was passionate love or passive aggression I stopped writing because you were the reason I wrote You fueled language in me That foamed Words out the mouth You sucked the love dry out of me This heart is a drought No wonder I go from man to man Not knowing how to love anymore Like what is love When you're battling an inner war Sometimes, I avoid reading my poems to avoid these feels Sometimes, I avoid writing to avoid these truths Am I willing to set myself free or Will I stay trapped behind the page