wallflower's ballad

I wake up in the mornings to nothing No real reasons to get out of bed No reasons to start my day When I already know it will be the same as the one before No one left to talk to, no one left to share memories with Nearly half a decade it's been this way With tomorrow adding another day And it's not like I have anyone to blame but myself And now I'm remembering high school How it passed by without a happy memory How it hasn't been much different since I never went to a dance, I never went to prom Never shared a first kiss But some of that's changed, not much Because now I have even less A few people came along And I felt myself liking the time spent Those hours came and went Who knew i could be nostalgic so quick But wouldn't you believe it I ruined it and lost them all I destroyed what I had been waiting on for so long I felt them slipping out of my life I wrote my grievances, expressed my concerns That the only people that I talked to didn't even like me 10 days later they were all gone But what can I say when I know it's my fault When I know I'm responsible When I know that I'm the problem It's like I'm destined for this loneliness Like this is what my life is supposed to be But that's a poor train of thought It ignores that my reality is a product of me I envision what I should've done differently To keep the ones that I love around But that's selfish, they shouldn't feel burdened to stay It's almost like it's narcissistic to beg for forgiveness I'm too codependent, I know I got too attached Or maybe I just found someone that I liked Maybe they made me feel happy when nothing else did But is that fair to them? Maybe I don't really know what love is But I find it hard to say that I didn't love them And I know that it was too fast How I'd do anything for them in a heartbeat I wanted nothing more than to see them succeed To see them be happy My happiness relied on theirs I cared more about them more than I cared about myself And that's not healthy In October I walked myself to dickson street About three in the morning With a bottle of Paxil in my left hand Nothing but death on my mind Blood was pouring out of my nose and seeping through my shirt Asked myself if this was the only way to cut the ties Is this the only way to find closure Is this the only way to find peace But it didn't happen, the next morning I woke up Reality set in, I knew I needed help So I told my family what happened, started seeing a therapist They all told me I'm not to blame Like "it's okay, it wasn't your fault" But I just- I just don't feel the same I know I'm still in the wrong And the finger needs to be pointed at me Because what kind of person would I be If I acted like I didn't deserve this pain But I'd find out soon enough I aired out the ones I still loved Told them that they were being ridiculous And I was doing fine without them But I was only trying to convince myself Deep down I knew I'd still be hurting Telling myself "I didn't lose them, they lost me" But how could that be when I don't even like being alone How could that be when I don't like who I am I thought forcing the loose ends to tie up would help Help me move on, help me make the closure that I couldn't find myself But it didn't I set that bracelet on fire Saw that blue and silver engulfed in flames I tossed a couple of notes in there too One said "call me sometime" But I knew that even if I did I'd never see them again I know I need to move on But that's easier said than done when they were my best friend That's easier said than done when it felt like they were my only true friend Someone that made me feel the closest emotion To what I would call happiness in so long I wake up and they're still on my mind Even though i know they wouldn't want to be But how couldn't they be When they were so special to me So nowadays my life's the same As it was last year and the three years before it Where my phone lies on the table And stays dark for hours Only this time those hours are longer than before Maybe if I keep writing these songs And keep distracting myself, I might strike it lucky Maybe find myself successful Or at least, what is supposed to be, according to my family Maybe find myself with some money And if I did, I'd probably- I would- I'd pay his tuition Just to thank him for being there for me when no one else was For being the one that talked to me through those years Knowing that no one else did And even if I feel a bit of dread at the thought of him I still care for him and I hold no true hatred I think about that girl from middle school The only one I talked to right after getting out of texas How I would never be the one to initiate the conversation How she was always sending me the message It was too tough for me to talk to her Knowing I couldn't see her face, but she deserved to know that But instead, I kept it going Maybe I just liked having someone check in on me And I'm selfish for not doing the same for her Back in June, I sent her a long text Apologizing for what I did It had been three years since then I just couldn't bear the lack of closure How I knew I never reciprocated that energy How I knew I'd never be the one to ask how she was doing And after all she'd done for me, I still left without warning Never telling her why I didn't want to talk And that was just disrespectful She deserved to be told goodbye Two weeks later I did it again I still found it futile, I found it to be a burden To try and be friends with someone I couldn't really share a moment with I don't know why I'm this way Why deep down I refuse to change I left her concerned about me, and I can make an excuse I started making friends that I'd lose two months later at my own expense But that doesn't mean it's acceptable To leave someone wondering what happened I probably made her feel like she was a problem I probably made her feel like I didn't want to talk to her because it was her And not just that I didn't want to talk at all Not just that I wanted to be alone I just wish I could be better I just need to figure it out I just need to change I just need to be different I- I just need to be better I reflect on my past And those I know I've hurt One day I'll write more repentances To send before I depart But until then I hope that- I hope that you're okay In earnest Wallflower