Do Not Listen

I grew up getting used to Living my life in doubt and fear Desensitized to all my emotions In a drought of clear Direction of where my life was going I hoped the end was near It would be the only form of closure It was so severe I acted like I was fire Acted like just one of my peers But really my spirit was disappearing with every year Of coming home to a father Who'd do nothing but drown in beer Alcohol addiction My mother breaking down in tears You said "well why didn't you ever tell me?" Well you never asked And I just didn't want you to worry So I kept the act Found a girl that helped for a while But I got too attached I trauma dumped and I kept her down So, that didn't last Since then I've been having Trust issues like you wouldn't believe it I've been pushing my friends away And I can tell that they see it Thank god they still choose to stay Even though the friendship's so uneven If I can't open up right away… Just know that there's a reason I wish I was somebody Anybody but myself Oh, I wish I was somebody Anybody but myself I remember Getting beat up And crying in the playground I remember Needing help Seeing there was no around "Stop resisting, you little faggot, Why won't you just stay down?" I remember Trying to scream But not a sound came out I remember Somebody finally showing up for me I remember My mother's face seeing me Sitting there, bleeding Principal's office They talked for a while Then we were free to leave Car ride home Turned my head asked "Mom, what does faggot mean?" She wouldn't tell me I begged and pleaded And never gave it up My curious, seven year old mind Wasn't gonna shake it off Snuck on the computer Hit the search bar Then I looked it up Couldn't believe That's what they had called me As they beat me up What happened after that? I couldn't tell you It was all a blur Just remember the tears pouring I had been called slur Seven years old It was the worst thing I had ever heard My father came home Saw me crying and called me The same word I wish I was somebody Anybody but myself Oh, I wish I was somebody Anybody but myself Looking I'm back now I'm angry how I let One word get to me I dwelled on it for so long And it could've prevented me Discovering who I was Who I am now unapologetically I wasted so many years Confused without necessity But now I've come to terms And am okay with my reality I used to ashamed, embarrassed Of my sexuality It was the biggest setback I had Never lived life happily But now I'm seeing Happiness isn't just some fantasy And while I still can't Completely open up to some people I'm taking that risk again And trying to find me a keeper I know some of you Won't even listen to what I'm saying I know it's a long, shot But deep down I'm truly praying That one of you listening to this Will get up and stop playing Start living your life with meaning instead of slowly decaying I'm so grateful to this day I can finally shed tears and cry While keeping my masculinity My eyes no longer dry Please don't listen If you're mad this isn't a banger Please don't listen If you were expecting more glamor Please don't listen If you want me to stay put If you're mad that I said faggot You probably misunderstood Please don't listen If you're not gonna take me seriously Please do not listen If you can't say that you're here for me Please don't listen If you want me to stick to Just photography But then stop liking when I do Cause that's just hypocrisy Please don't listen If you judge men who are emotional Cause that's what your gonna get with me and That's non-negotiable Please do not listen If you do not f*ck with my music But say you love it to my face You're just making shit confusing I wanna say something While I got all your attention I got some apologies I gotta give For a second I hope it's not too late To forgive me in the present I completely understand if you Wanna hate me and resent I'm sorry to my mother I couldn't save you earlier I'm sorry to my brothers For putting up a barrier I'm sorry to whoever My bad decisions have haunted I'm sorry to my father I wasn't the son you wanted I'm sorry to my friends For pushing you all away I'm so grateful you're so stubborn And that you chose to stay I'm sorry to my therapist for dealing With my problems I don't say it enough but Without you I would be lost and I'm sorry Kimberly I couldn't give you what you wanted I'm sure someone will come around To finish what we started I'm sorry to myself While I'm sitting, writing this song That I let myself Be so sorry for so long I wish I was somebody Anybody but myself Oh, I wish I was somebody Anybody but myself