Kazoo (Live from Acme Comedy Company, Minneapolis, MN)

Maybe emojis are just us regressing back to hieroglyphics The entire human race is all a bunch of homos if we're speaking scientifically And being attracted to your own flaccid penis would be the worst fetish ever And whenever a pregnant woman swims, she's a human submarine Know what I mean? If you call someone a two-dollar whore, it's meaner than before because of inflation And if gluttony's a sin, then why is the Bible belt the fattest part of the American nation? And if you'd never seen a chicken, but you ordered chicken fingers You'd think that chickens were big and scary And if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, then Mary had a little lamb You understand? Hands are naked sock puppets, coffee is bean soup, bunk beds are people shelves And someone should open an abortion clinic and call it Don't Kid Yourselves And someone should start a liquor company and call it Responsibly And a group of squid should be called a squad And bisexual women should be called more-or-less-bians Does that make sense? It's pretty weird that we can unintentionally make a person but not dessert And it's pretty weird that people will eat each others' assholes but not eat food that fell in the dirt And it's pretty weird that people have birthday sex Which is basically having sex to celebrate your parents having sex I guess people are just plain weird I mean we invented selfie sticks and snuggies and fidget spinners