Signs of a Douchebag (Live from Cap City Comedy Club, Austin, TX)

If he wears sunglasses at night And he talks like he's hood, but he's white Like he thinks he's thug enough to drop the n-word But the only thing he really dropped was college and moved back suburbs And back in with his parents If he then goes to Europe on his daddy's dime But gets hammered at the Hard Rock Cafe the whole time And constantly brags about the bitches he's fucked And calls it getting his "nut off" or getting his "dick wet" or "sucked" Well, it's really quite apparent That's a red, red flag That's a sign of a douchebag That's your wake up call, he's not for you at all That's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag If he yells "Jägerbombs!" when drinking And starts a conversation by winking And tells you he's in finance before he tells you his name It's Chad, you didn't ask, but he'll tell you his salary all the same I don't care about your portfolio, Chad! If I was impressed by money, I wouldn't be trying to make a career in musical comedy If, despite all his bragging about his bank account He still tips the waitress a pathetic amount Unless she's slamming: he only dates eights or higher Yes, him in his Sperrys, salmon shorts, and nautical-themed attire Though he's never sailed a boat That's a red, red flag That's a sign of a douchebag If he's a pick-up-liner, doesn't care if you're a minor Well, that's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag If he's emotionally dependent on college football He knows the schedule, but heart but he still can't recall your birthday How can you brush that aside? He won't say I love you because he's too busy yelling, "Roll tide!" He didn't even go to Alabama! If he keeps the stickers on his flat-brimmed hats And wears sleeveless shirts to show off his tribal tats If he brags about how much he can lift at the gym And swears every gay guy he meets is totally trying to f*ck him Well, you've gotta acknowledge That's a red, red flag That's a sign of a douchebag Could you get any dumber? I mean, he drives a fucking hummer And that's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag If you find yourself offended by this little song It's because you've been a douchebag yourself all along Then again, I did just spend the past three minutes Shitting on a bunch of strangers based on stereotypes For a whole other group of strangers for my own validation So, if you really think about it That's a red, red flag That's a sign of a douchebag So, keep your eyes peeled when you playing the field And look out for the signs, for the signs, for the signs of a douchebag