CHOKE

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but this might be the worst Staring at my loved ones but I can't find the words Feeding myself poison on purpose I gave up the fight Looking back at the darkness made me blind to the light Just sick of myself I don't feel like I fit I find it hard to admit I don't know what my problem is Am I just ignoring the fact that My life isn't mine Should stop trying to take it and give it up in search of a sign But I'm scared of being alone Scared of letting people know I don't want them to see me as broke But I have to say this so I can grow So these are the words that I wrote I wanted to say it out loud so I can finally let it go, go The title of this song is not a metaphor Hating my life has grown to be my norm I'm sorry for the people that I hurt I'd apologize for my actions but apologies are just words I will never change if I'm stuck on my own Begging for your help I have thoughts to let go Try to look you in your eyes and speak but I choke I always choke I always wondered why it was called the human condition Cause being humans like a disease I'm searching for peace But it doesn't seem to even be a thing Keep giving in when i could easily be free I'm thinking I'm invincible but finding out that I bleed Turns out that I bleed a lot One day I'm healthy the next it's like I never was Why does this happen all the time I don't think I'll ever be enough Looking down to see a puddle of blood Turns out that I'm the one holding the gun Empty the magazine right in my stomach I wouldn't stop till every bullet was gone But the bullets are in the form of a pill 28 of them with the intention to kill Do you ever think you deserve to feel Every bitter pain that comes in your life Like somehow you getting punished makes every one of your mistakes alright But it never helps me it's like a rope round my neck This rope is only here to hurt me and I call it regret Wishing I could leave but I feel my feet start to slip Off my bucket I fall back into everything I did The title of this song is not a metaphor Hating my life has grown to be my norm I'm sorry for the people that I hurt I'd apologize for my actions but apologies are just words I will never change if I'm stuck on my own Begging for your help I have thoughts to let go Try to look you in your eyes and speak but I choke I always choke I doubt myself a lot I don't know if you could tell I don't know if I'll ever understand this or the way that I felt I used to lock these thoughts up and keep em held Under lock and key but it made my life a living hell All I know is that I'm done Done with the regret Done with holding this in I made this song to admit I'm not perfect And I'm okay with it I'm sick of pretending to be a person That doesn't exist I need change so I'm asking everyone to pray for me Pray that I'll change for my future wife and my family Pray that I'll let this go and get rid of it Cause I wanna accept the free gift that Jesus is always here to give Forgiveness