Roll a 20

I'm a lyrical genius, a modern bard Spittin' fire-yeah, shit goes hard Silver tongue, it'll take me far Slayin' dragons? Nah, I'm slayin' bars DM said, "Man, don't do that shit" "Rolled a 20. C'mon-does it hit" Castin' spells with a mic in hand Got the crowd in a bardic trance Inspo dice, this beat gets blessed Talk slick-that's a Vicious hex "Roll for charm," I flash that grin "Dirty 20. Yo lady and I livin' in sin" College of Valor? That's a joke College of Cock-I'm all stroke Stole your loot, this a robbery Hit your girl with Vicious Mockery "No, you can't seduce that troll" "Flipped a 20-that's how I roll" Runnin' game in the Lich King's lair Charisma check-now we makin' heirs Spells for days, no spell slot stress Lay on Hands? Nah, she undressed DM yells, "You're in too deep" Got a 20-Let's scale that keep Another village, another town You laugh at me, but I'm no clown Sacked this gear, it's time to scoot Wench, be quiet-I'm tryin' to loot "Roll Perception" "Nat 20-now what I see" Roll a 20, crit that line Golden harp, and sippin' wine Cast a spell, then steal your honey I get that gold, I make that money "DM, what'd I see" "Why the hell you ignorin' me" Bruh, Ignoring you? Nah, not quite Built this campaign overnight Master of improv, flows like ice But damn-I think you have loaded dice "You see lightning, it's precipitative" "Get your die ready, roll initiative" I set the scene, y'all set it ablaze My NPCs just fuel your craze Another seduction, another bluff You crit on charm, but your lines ain't tough "You charge the mage?"-"Ha! That's a clone" "Roll a new sheet. You just got owned" Stop your whinin', your toon's not dyin' Testicular torsion-now he's cryin' Failed that save when he met that hag Now he's sobbin' in a healing bag "Need a break"-"Maybe roll for shame" "Nat 1 Damn, forgot your name" Now you're locked for seducing a goat Explain that move, you did with your throat The king's appalled-the guards look ill The queen is crying-shit got real "You plead your case with finesse" "But the dice says 1-so you just confess" The crowd's a panic, you hear a fierce roar I crack my knuckles-time to settle this score Your paladin sweats, your cleric prays The fighter's cryin' in emotional waves "You look to the sky?" - "It's a goddamn task" "Roll initiative, bitch- I dropped a Tarrasque" Roll a 20? I fudge that die Legendary action-say goodbye Spell slot spent? That's counterspelled You blinked once-now you're in hell Talk back? I break your build Wiped your squad, now your sheet's been killed Dice are down, campaign's closed But my soul's still cursed, that's how it goes XP gained, the table's wrecked Catch me next week, failing all my checks