A Letter To Dad

We knew the world would not be the same A few people laughed A few people cried Most people were silent Dear Father, I'm taking care of Kiley and Mom Life's worsened so much since you've been gone And I fear the trauma's morphing my bones Please help me, Dad, I can't do this alone I'm having the same thoughts that you had Better off below grass, fear I'll follow your past I'm terrified, like you, I might lose to suicide Like you, I might embrace the thought of homicide But I'm trying my best to supress the depression I'm trying my best to repress the agression Hiding how I feel has become an obsession Although when I break down it'll cause devastation I feel pressure building up like a bottle of soda Fully loaded and my holdups shake me 'til I can't hold it Hold up, please stop, please help Before you lost to your own thoughts You raised a white flag called a slipknot There was so much I wanted to do with you, Dad But I didn't know how little time left we had Never taught me how to shave, how a man must behave How to pick up a lady, how to overcome shame How you coped with your pain, how to wrestle with your brain And how you had became a modern day slave Who should I look up to? I've no clue All my life it's just been you You're all I knew Now I'm the man of this house Look at me now Forced to grow and raise myself I need some help I'm not ready, Daddy, to be an adult I fear my lack of knowledge, Dad, is all my fault I feel your ghost is close to me when I'm alone Father lend me your guidance so that I don't fall I feel like I had never made you proud at all Are you looking down on me from the blue yonder? I can't wait to ask you at our next encounter Honestly sometimes I hope it won't be far off I just hope I'm making you proud I just want your approval with infinite bounds I want to be the best man I can be on the ground So you'll still claim me as your son when I'm underground But that doesn't mean I never felt your love, Dad You loved me so much and I'll never forget that Tell me why I always comply with whims in my mind to be kind I don't even try, it's natural I find, they rely On my hardened spine at any given time and it grinds My spine 'til it's fine and I claim I'm fine I'm so tired I'm so, I'm so, I'm so tired I'm so tired But I can't sleep The pain keeps me away from my dreams Seeds of insomnia are woven into my seams Sprouting out and blossoming into tortuous screams And the roots dig deeper feeding me memories Birdwatching in the frontyard Biking down at the park Playing ball at the Y Watching TV inside Showing me James Brown Helping work downtown Boxing in the garage Camping back at the lodge Teaching me how to fish How to cook up a dish Can't believe I'll never have your cooking again No one else could cook like you, could grill like you Such tasty food Like salmon croquettes and BBQ, ay What I'd give to go right back to those days I barely remember but I pray that they stay Dad, I miss you so much and I promise it's true There's not a day that goes by I don't think about you Wish I remembered more good times that we had But my PTSD makes me forget the past But I can't forget your face, your voice, or your laugh Even if your smile wasn't more than a mask I forgive everything you've done and now I empathize You weren't the perfect dad, but I'm glad you were mine Thank you for what you've done, I know me was hard I love you, Father, with all my heart I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty  And to impress him, takes on his multi-armed form and says "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds"