My Namesake

My namesake A quiet intelligence Thoughtfulness Legs crossed How should I feel I don't know What I'm supposed to say An excuse to buy cigarettes I missed my chance to talk to him He stopped speaking weeks ago I ignored the reminders I set I can't text mirth karate emojis Is it ok to be writing this down Would it be ok to share this Would it be exploitation or a eulogy Peter wore bright blue cleats So Danny could see him from his wheelchair on the sideline Rolling through the mud It's horrifying how much a day matters I could've said I could've I could've I should've I would've Now I'm sitting in the park New sunglasses make everything blue Like a fake blue like a computer generated hue There's a real cool breeze There's some cars occasionally passing My toes are cold The evergreen bushes and the power transformers are friendly monsters The twinkling leaves are cruelly indifferent The girls sunbathing and blissfully ignorant The homeless guy sleeping, back against a tree, knows pain The smell of the Southern Cut brings me right back to listening to rough mixes on my Porch last Spring when it was still nippy and the sun set early Someone drew a blue face on the tree Head cloudy I stub out and fold my hands and close my eyes and say God give me strength God let me know how much each day counts God let me know how important are the people in my life Paralyzed from the waist down at 50 Brain cancer at 60 A slap in the face From who, dad? Mom says he showed us how to have fulfillment in the face of such adversity He loved His Family and they all turned out so well I would be proud Liam built him a grabber for Father's Day A wood plank with a groove cut in So he could open the grill from his wheelchair He would cross his legs, like a girl Like me Or more me like him When I was small mom said you look just like Danny - he crosses his legs just like that In the years after the accident I would see him pick up his right leg and lay it over the left Even numb the position was comforting The hobo woke up and stumbled away The girls packed up their towel Now it's just me and a crow Crowing away at the wind Hidden somewhere in a tree