weed and wine (feat. Margo Seibert)

It was given to me by a truck of a man in Finland A gigantic Ziplock bag Packed with the stickiest, skunkiest weed you can imagine I met him in a sauna Drinking 176 proof Balkan vodka "Susan, you drink vodka You be strong like me!" He liked me Nothing happened But it was fun to flirt I think he was the last human I touched So there was the weed And then there was the wine Ooo Miss Susan! I know you'll like this! Special bottles! Special pook! Eight magnificent giant glass jugs of red currant wine Hiding in grandmama's basement It became my nightly ritual Me and my weed and my red currant wine Swinging on the porch swing And feeling so fine Staring at the shimmering stars All alone And the day to night to day to night to day My mind was so scattered I couldn't focus on novels My own or anyone else's But the fractured rhythm of poetry was a balm I could stare at a single page of dancing words for hours Feeling the tips of grandmama's fingertips on the ink Feeling her breath in the flapping turn of a page Feeling her whisper to me Through cryptic underlining "This strange century" "Search for the souls of stones" "Demons are death in life" I stumble into the kitchen Make myself a little snack The only grocery store around was weirdly gourmet I went once a week Armoring myself in sunglasses, headphones, and bandit's bandana Watching the other human shapes with suspicion and detachment As I gathered unusual Slavic delicacies To be consumed in an drunken daze Dill Herring Borscht Dancing on my tongue I didn't really eat meals Just many little snacklets through the day Well look at that folks, She's eating almond butter and fig jam Right out of the fucking jar! Friends kept checking in But I started projecting an aura of reclusiveness Reach out, pull back Reach out, pull back Not responding to texts Answering work emails in slightly too poetic ways Arriving to zooms late Blacking out my video five minutes in Leaving early Or just not showing up at all! Declining social and professional opportunities With a vague whisper of retreat and interiority I'm in a quiet place right now Julian and I had one text exchange Right when it happened Julian, that's my ex "Just checking in, are you okay?" He had moved to another state To some dull beige place For "work" That was when the troubles began He wanted to go; I wanted to stay put "I can't leave Julian, my life is here, I have work to do!" She says, before scramming to Finland as soon as he left "Yeah I'm okay, I'm okay" Crazy spiral eyes face emoji Me and my weed and my red currant wine Swinging on the porch swing And feeling so fine Staring at the shimmering stars All alone And the Thursday to the Monday to the Tuesday to the Sunday Watching the death toll rise... In my darkest moments, I wanted the numbers to get higher The first big adult book I ever read was The Stand 99.4% of the population Wiped clean Burn it all down Start anew Refresh. I fantasized about emerging from my house in the forest Into an apocalyptic landscape Fantasized about going crazy at the end of the world Julian always said I had a darkness inside