Twas the Night Before Christmas (A Modern Retelling)

T'was the night before Christmas, and I stopped at a bar I had last minute gifts in the trunk of my car I slipped off my coat, and I pulled up a chair The bartender served up my whiskey with care I'd worked a long shift, so I needed a shot Though the place seemed deserted, I saw it was not In a booth with a near-empty bottle of Jack A bearded old fat man lay sprawled on his back He had shiny black boots and was dressed all in red I worried at first the old dude might be dead I stepped to his side, and I knew pretty quick This oddly-dressed boozer was really Saint Nick Santa, get up! You've got work to do Millions of children are counting on you He belched, and he farted, said leave me alone I'm drunk, and I'm tired, and I want to go home I grew more disgusted as each moment passed With no other option, I had to move fast I wrestled him out of his coat and his hat Then shot out of the bar in just ten seconds flat I ran around back, climbed the stairs to the roof If I still had my doubts, well, here was my proof A shiny red sleigh had been parked in the snow I jumped in the seat, and I shouted 'Let's go!" Eight reindeer in front, and six elves in the back I barely fit next to the overstuffed sack I called to the reindeer and took up the reins And desperately tried to remember their names On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen Reagan and Clinton, Obama and Nixon The sleigh, it lurched forward, and we were off like a shot Though I'm quite a safe driver, I'm no astronaut I streaked through the sky like a runaway comet My coat reeked of cigarettes, whiskey and vomit The little red sleigh twisted this way and that In less than a block, I had lost Santa's hat We landed atop an apartment in town The elves all bailed out before I could step down They opened the sack, took some presents within it And delivered them all in less than a minute For what felt like hours, we continued our ride Deer parking on rooftops, elves rushing inside Somehow we delivered all the presents that night And pulled up to the bar just before the first light Wrapped in a blanket, Santa sat in the snow Since I'd taken his ride, he had nowhere to go I'd bought him some coffee at an all-night cafe "Santa, drink this, I've got something to say You selfish, pathetic, impossible jerk You take all the credit, but they do the work Tonight I discovered what you're really about" "I know" Santa said, "There's no need to shout I wasn't as drunk as I'd have you believe And I'd not disappoint children on Christmas Eve I sat in that booth and was waiting for you I presented you a challenge to see what you'd do" He stood up and smiled, put his hand on my shoulder "I've known you your whole life, and as you've grown older I saw that your fondness for Christmas was waning And I knew that you'd make a good Santa in training" He finished his coffee, then jumped in the sleigh He gave me a wink and was up and away But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight "You'd better get home, kid, or you're in for a fight!"