Memoirs Act 2

Time keeps passing by And for many years, I've given y'all pieces of my soul And spoke from my heart But I'm not done yet No Moving through the stars and finding my re-alignment as a mortal man Posted inside the borderlands Wondering my purpose and my element Since a pandemic made me feel irrelevant I'm writing out my journey in this literary exodus It's my time I want this for a lifetime Leah's tryna say"patience is my worst crime" I'm doing my thing baby I'll pay my dues I will not lose 2020 was the start of the climb When I had to fight a treacherous life Swimming though social validation from a mobile device Looking for stimulation on a social decline Tears covered both of my eyes Hazel pupils were widened by an indica high Silenced by Keri's wisdom on a spiritual side I couldn't map my destination 'fore I hit 29, nah Anxiety was peaking through the roof Niggas scrutinized how I moved I'm a living legend Nigga, I'm proof I do what I do Like a bandit with the loot Living in southern cali on a feverish pace Honestly, I chased vanity fame Mixing passion with pain, I found myself in the game That's right Look at my mind Look at my sins Look at my heart Look at my wins Look at my vice Look at my gifts Look at a man trying to elevate what he is Trauma, had me in a wicked state of depression Karma, humbled me when my beliefs were in question 2021 I spoke out to God Asking universal questions of my rights and wrongs I felt lost on a path with no guidance in sight Paranoid that I was failing in life Nightmares of repayment that could never be made From my parents to my friends that could never be paid Shit, my music wasn't hitting the same F*ck fame Niggas ain't giving me love, flowers, or praise Ok Sleepy Hollow, Chino Hills, man I want more 2022 shot to my front door Met a woman, Puerto Rican, couldn't say more I done made my mistakes Scared of getting you pregnant Made you my muse Made bad commitments Made up my mind Gotta make it this time On the M-Side Writing stories under Box Springs moonlight Same place that my parents held wedding lights 23' rolled by the wayside Palm Springs Doordashing Getting nickle dimed Thinking back on how my dad was amazed His youngest son ain't stopping the chase West Elm, Black Man, Compton, with a dream of financial escape My brother Danny banged crip My brother Scooter's preaching better days Reading letters from my cousin Farrell that's locked up quoting Maya Angelou Thinking how I'll bless our family name I want change I feel like I haven't really peeled the layers back on everything for y'all but I'm gonna try to really meditate and tap into my truths Alright Reflecting at Molinos in Riverside My energy's slowly been synchronized Looking at my name, the culture, my grind I ain't been myself since Dom died Mind's feeling aimless tryna find peace My mother's family thinking I ain't tryna link My father's family thinking I'm too hard to reach Conflicted in a moral state of being me But I'm really feeling lost on a path of heaven and hell Madeline's loving spirit was constantly felt Anna planting wicked thoughts inside of myself My first true love was me crying for help She tried de-valuing all of myself Fearing love of who I was, she told me herself"You ain't nothing to nobody else" And that rang a bell I wasn't black enough or asian, people couldn't tell As the start of trauma to be Sun illuminating colors on my widow's peak Looking for validation from these girls that were coming to me Abandonment issues from 19 Ain't nobody was praying for me My grandparents wasn't alive on each side My guidance had came from the streets EG and Lane would give me empathy Music was something that felt tight in my heart from a higher point of spiritual certainty Now, here I am Trusting in others and giving back with no"thank yous" or a helping hand Surrounded by snakes under tall grass But I'm trying to be a better man Who can I call that can give me time? When time needs me? Who got a shoulder for holdin' valleys of all these tears that'll cascade and run free? Why does forgiveness feel foreign in concept? When the world ain't seeing my context? Bloody from fighting my ex shorty's step daddy when I'm 18 All because of my ethnicity Holdin' a grudge onto the same man whiter than a box of some dollar tree saltines What does it all really mean to me? Cause here on out, I give a damn what the world sees And focus on seeing a world inside of me Through my DNA, chemistry, and what it really means To my true young Gz and my family tree