Exhausted

A latent creeping nervousness Justifying my end each and every night Scaring myself into believing otherwise Yet a persistent allure taunts me Freeing myself of all of life's pain I see a failure of a son, a brother, to mother, to father I can't complete myself I do not live for me And yet still I will continue And what if it was all for nothing? Every feeble attempt, worthless Consumed by my own inaction If recovery was always meant to be this hard, why should I bother? Thrashing out every single night Drained by a clouded soul It feels as if it was never going to make a difference, no matter how hard I try So instinctively involved Every fibre of my being reaches out, looking for a reason to stay here Why should it be so hard? Why should I want to stay? Something that comes so naturally to everyone else I meet It was never meant to be like this Is there even any other alternative? Is it not just stuck like this? It feels as if I was never going to make a difference Failed at every step, every type of hindrance There was never any alternative, damned to kick and scream with every stride A hopeless dance, I've lost my heart Please, just let me flourish Feel free for once It's always felt as if I was never going to make a difference That my path was pre-determined, a bedside beset with regrets