Knots

I never said that stuttered line "You make me wanna live past 29" Walking in stride I'm like a blank conversation I thought of nothing else all night I didn't know anyone could scare me like that I fell too fast and I forget too slow You wanted me, you said But then just stopped And how little joy I realise I had outside of you and I I'm being understanding Arriving a marble bust of ugliness when you said it And it hit like a punch in the knots in my guts Like my insides fell out of my feet and all over the floor of that Airbnb So is this living? I can't stomach it Thinking how if I'd see you I'd lean in, say "I cant stand it I'm not coping It's been too much And I miss you" But you'll never stare at me like that again And I'll just cry on all my train rides Do you really want to be alone right now? Would I hate you if you'd not said this all along? I can't be the one Because there's something you see that's wrong with me You wouldn't tell me what it is But there is something wrong with who I am in your reasoning And frankly I agree I just hate that that's what you can see And I miss you And I hate me I don't want to have to keep checking I'm still here when you're gone And take myself to bed Stop thinking how you sound in the heat of it Put down one foot and then the other one I tried walking But it didn't work Draw a line under your name For the time I can never claim back You could always just ruin me in a heartbeat But I'd do it all again in that same heartbeat And you will always ruin me in a heartbeat I know you told me not to But I'm still putting you first Or anyone else, I can't take care of myself Well, I don't try I'm just so sad all the fucking time If I could just begin But it hurts too much this side of us I thought I'd seen who you are But I don't really know what I've learned so far You could always ruin me in a heartbeat But I'd just do it all again in that same heartbeat You could always ruin me in a heartbeat But I'd just do it all again in that same heartbeat