Other Side Of Loss

You left a hole a void a darkness Sorry an absence of light An absence of you An absence that screams at me every day and every night Remember remember the 2nd December When I saw beyond the loss And my soul danced to the broken beats of my beaten heart The clock strikes 12 12 I was only 12 I remember, remember the hot flushes As his body turned to ice I remember the rhythm of my heart As his stopped beating Don't die don't die I remember the wetness in my eyes as his closed forever The clock strikes 12 In January mum started to put his things away February we were supposed to go back to school and play March was their wedding anniversary And it was killing her to go on and on April came with broken hopes and shattered dreams We were just expected to move on And on May May If I may We were still in limbo still lingering I started listening less at school and doodling more Started sleeping less at night but dreaming more June was ours mine and his HAPPY birthday to us June fed my fire Making it impossible for me to sleep at night I thought I would choke from the smoke But I guess That was just the cigarettes Fast forward to now where His voice is starting to fade and his face is a distant memory But I've welcomed new love And I've accepted new peace I've struggled to balance my cup of happiness it was such a handful And now even though I'm in my 20s I'll always remember that a cup half empty Is also a cup half full And as I've travelled through this journey Of darkness and light As I've spent most of my life putting up a fight I finally listened to the voices that offered me help Because in reality I admit I had to lose myself in order to find myself I mean I still have trouble sleeping and I toss and I turn And believe me when I say that my anxiety still gives me heartburn Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for my life and I'm happy too But every time I smile or laugh I feel guilty too Maybe this is who I am now an organized chaotic mess But I know that this is the start of my healing process