I've Got a Monster

"'Erm Doreen, I've got a confession to make. I'm not like ordinary boys" "Oh Ivor, I know you're not like ordinary boys, you're about thirty years older than most of them for a start" "No Doreen, I've got a strange peculiarity. Every time the moon is full I... scn*@!!rgggh" "Oooh yeah you're right, you're not like ordinary boys..." Well I'm Dr. Frankenstein And I've got a monster And I'll show you this monster of mine if anyone wants-ter It's a biggun, it's got wrinkly bits that dangle down to there It's pink and blue and purple and it's covered up with hair If you meet it in the midnight hour you're gonna get a scare And everything would be just fine If you had a monster like mine "Hello baby, how would you like to be filled with Dread? Judge this for size..." I'm Frankenstein's monster I'm custom designed I've got a bolt through m' neck And a screw on m' mind He made me out of fibre-glass And doner kebabs and conkers Meccano, tripe and bits of pipe And a couple of donkey's plonkers I think the Baron stitched me up M' knob's a vacuum cleaner I gave a cough M' balls dropped off Just call me Frankensteina "Blimey, this place is full of monsters and su(t)ch.." I'm Dracula, I'm most unsanitary I'd rather suck than fornicate I dress like Bryan Ferry I drink the blood of virgins I live in Notting Hill Gate I haven't had a decent meal Since nineteen fifty-eight They say I am a stupid count I have a sucking force At least that's what he thinks they say He could be wrong of course "Landlord, mix me a Bloody Mary before I go batty" He's a friend of Dr. Frankenstein And he's got a monster And he'll show you its disgusting design If anyone wants-ter He'd love to suck your jugular He's got no moral fibre He's a nasty fly-by-night A rhesus positive inbiber And Peter Cushing's pushing Half a fence post up his khyber The future looks pretty grim If you are a monster like him "Come on you Wolves" We are hairy werewolves, when a bad moon's on the rise We all start looking like motorhead and our choppers increase in size And ever since we were in the cubs we've crept around in castles And scratched for fleas and piddled on trees and sniffed each other's ars'oles Red Riding Hood thinks we're dead good although we've got the mange She likes it doggy fashion, excuse me while I change They call him Dr. Frankenstein, 'cause he's got a monster He'll show you his disgusting design if anyone wants-ter It's a biggun, it's got wrinkly bits that dangle down to there It's pink and blue and purple and it's covered up with hair If you meet it in the midnight hour you're gonna get a scare And everything would be just fine, if you had a monster like mine "We're not scared of the Mummy's curse" "Well I know something ten times worse..." I'm a wanker