My Shirt Collar (It Won't Go Stiff)

Some folks croon about moon and June Some folks scream and holler But I'm going to sing about a wonderful thing My shirt collar Ariba, ariba, whoo, whoo, Here we go... My shirt collar My shirt collar It won't go stiff No, it won't go stiff It used to stand up and touch my ears But now I've got to be careful in case it disappears When I was younger it was up in a jiff Were it more rigid it would be terrif' But my shirt collar My shirt collar, whoo whoo, oh no It will not go stiff It won't go stiff, no it won't go stiff It's once proud rigidity is only a myth The miserable thing I am holding in my hand which is Limper than the lettuce in yer British Rail sandwiches What was once a certainty is only an 'if' Bang goes the happiness, me joi-de-life 'Cause my shirt collar, whoo whoo, oh no It will not go stiff Well I soaked it, doped it, tied it up and roped it Varnished it but still it ends up bent I've stuffed it into kettles, I've walloped it with metals I've squirted it with aftershave and filled it with cement My shirt collar My shirt collar It won't go stiff No, it won't go stiff I used to dress so it protruded at a rakish angle But now I keep it covered up and all it does is dangle It was up like a rocket on November the fifth But it hasn't happened since and the ladies just sniff My shirt collar My shirt collar, whoo whoo, oh no It will not go stiff