Probing Andromeda

Mission Control at Mablethorpe TEN Good ship Herpes on the launching pad NINE Some syrup of figs from m' Grandma EIGHT An' trouser-clips from m' dad SEVEN Seconds away from blast off PIG Waiting for the final command FIVE Sitting here in a tin can FOUR With me helmet in me hand THREE Final check-up on me modules TWO And the best of British Luck ONE Eer, hang on a minute! I've changed me mind... Get shut of I'm Oh f*ck! And I'm floatin' in a most peculiar way I'm heading for Uranus so it's really not your day To boldly go where no bold bastard ever boldly flew But I've got to get back by Tuesday 'cos me lib'ry book's overdue This is your Captain speaking... What's your height and attitude? I'm five foot seven in me Y-fronts and pig-ignorant and rude What's the status of your airlocks? Eer, they're danglin' in the breezes Are you yanking on your joystick? No! I'm dodging Zanussi freezers... What course are you taking for the asteroids? Suppositories twice daily Have you seen the comets? No, I haven't even seen Bill Haley But I'm floating in a most peculiar way An' feeling Major Tom and dick As the capsule starts to sway You can't spew down the lavatory in zero gravity You've got to heave in the Hoover I've been 'round Venus with me hands on me penis Looking for a docking manoeuvre We have a small problem Herpes Eyoop! The light's gone out! We're losing radio contact... Well, I'll open up the window and shout... The chip pan's alight, me biro won't write The android's blown a circuit Me inflatable lady has just sprung a leak And I haven't got a puncture repair kit Oh bollocks! This is Ivor Biggun Hello Mission Control I've bust me ukulele And I can't find the toilet roll Now where's my little portable job? I might feel better if I twiddle the knob By Jupiter Mr. President Just look at the radar glass It-ain't-one-of-ours-so-it-must-be-one-of-theirs So let's press a button and bust some ass Igor Beaver sonofabitch, there on the radar look A million Yankee missiles press-a-button-and-blow-'em-all-to... Oooh dear, planet Earth just blew and there's nothing I can do And just to think I only came up her to get an aerial view Over the Sutton-On-Sea nudist beach Isn't life full of surprises... I'm floating in a most peculiar way...