Fatherhood

I remember when you swirled like a sea Full of heat and movement and promise And I remember when the promises were honoured And the impossibly perfect bloody body Reality of new human was suddenly in my hands Her soul leaping from some far off cliff To land in the rainbow sea of this life Landing in the rainbow sea of this life Helpless, helpless yet powerful Eyes that carry the echo of the stars or of God Your soft and wonderful body That smells of mystery and new bread A tiny heart on mine Somehow beating, somehow living Fresh from the forge of love Where miracle and soul have become the alloy of a human life I cannot save you, I cannot save you I can only love you, for this life is yours and God's It is not mine Guardian and servant I may be for a while Perhaps a safe harbour, my father's heart A nest in which you can grow And as you grow, my heart stretches wider And beyond anything I could have begun to imagine When my hand lay on that mother of smooth rock belly I am caught in the river of fatherhood And it will never let me go Tumbled and spun by night-time vigils Relentless giving and this love like a burning sun By the certainty of not being enough And the surrender of a dream of perfection Give it all to the river, and the hard edges and rough cracks will be smoothed and polished As you draw a little closer to the ocean from where both you and your child have come A small hand reaches for yours And as your fingers touch, this heart swells and aches Need and service, kindness, the bursting sweetness of them And their persistent and perfect presence here with you I am destroyed and remade each day Sailing these vast fields of light and being In my suffering and bliss My children are an anchor here to hold me A compass to steer by, a mercy They are a mercy woven of tears and trust I can only let go For the great river will have its way I cannot save you or be the one to make you happy But I do wish that I could be I do wish that I could be And surely that must be enough for there is grace in that at least I lay down my life in the service of this love For love it was that gave me life Love it was that gave me life Love it was that gave me life And when everything is given When everything is given Then gratitude remains A coal burning at the centre of this heart Giving its light to my grief and prayers And warming my children in the cold night