Recurring (I)

Rest in the way that you find grace.

Like candles in the wind- we'll fade.
We're fain to light the way with our mistakes,
but rest in the way that you find grace. 

Arrested at age 14
, Stupid drunk and out too late
. I said I'll go
' Mom said wait

' Love is not the way 
to keep someone captive.
 Friendship's not a collar leashing mercy to a master but in the turn of the page
, In the drag of a cigarette
, In the hum of the planes.
You find grace. 

What hasn't been done What hasn't been said My tongue's caught in a hesitant safety net
. In the back of my head
I hear quartets of dread singing hymns of the guilt choir. 

In the waltz of my days I danced through false shortcuts
 The tinctures cut with lavender
 I was Aced by a King that couldn't call a Spade what it is.

 And In the deep of my sleep, The pine trees are like saw teeth
Tearing up the love letter penned from 
setting sun 
to starless night.
 I had that dream again.

Where I can't get up
 and you can't get in
 The flames all start to lap at the corners of my bed
. The imminent collapse, Your laugh
, The nightmares that our actions project.
 What can't be undone What can't be unsaid My tongues caught in a hesitant safety net. In the back of my head
 the truth is written in a shorthand that I can't read yet. 
Was I a chambermaid for shame?
Made to clean the wax off from your wane?
A sinking city set ablaze,
I was bombed by thinking part of you could change. 

I'll never fade.
The way that I felt then 
is still the way I feel today
. It's all the same,  The same old song I sing, 
I'll sing it to the grave. 

And when I die
 They'll burn my bones to ash 
and they'll sing Amazing Grace And when you die
 they'll bury you with all that money that you saved
and hold their noses pouring concrete on your grave.

 I'm not ashamed to live and I'm not afraid to die.
 That song I sing will harmonize: The world of which we were born into  Is not the one we'll leave behind. 

Rest in the way that you find grace.
 In the Lucent light of morning  We sit quiet in your car I draw your lifeline on a napkin, Tell me when I've gone too far

 We can't expect to change the things we're too afraid to face
If all I say is sorry' and all that you can say is thanks' 

I never meant to hurt the one that chain-stitched both our names
 my red initials swooping gracefully across your green 

Pain is ever-present, That's the hand that we're all dealt.
 But in each moment recurring there is meaning in what's felt. You were here.