A Merry Little Murder Ballad

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, no proverbial mouse But Daddy woke up to a sight so obscene Saw Mommy kissing Santa - what can it mean Now the Elf on the Shelf saw it all Daddy's heart turned to stone - all icy and cold He took a deep breath, how could he stay in control And the Elf on the Shelf saw it all He sat in stunned silence, felt so bereft As Santa lewdly kissed Mommy's neck Daddy couldn't even believe his own eyes When he saw his love atop Santa's plush thighs Now the Elf on the Shelf saw it all Dad's heart cracked like a big icy crystal Took a deep breath, glad he hadn't a pistol And the Elf on the Shelf saw it all Daddy tried to step back and take a moment to think But dark thoughts and despair pushed him over the brink He remembered the knife sitting sharp in the drawer His mind was made up, he couldn't take it no more Now the Elf on the Shelf saw it all As Daddy's rage took its dark bloody toll He took a deep breath and finally let it all go And the Elf on the Shelf saw it all As the sun came up on that Christmas Day The detectives came and took Daddy away Daddy knew he would pay for his fatal mistake And the Elf on the Shelf saw it all Oh the Elf on the Shelf saw it all Yeah the Elf on the Shelf saw it all And he'll never forget that day