Shot in the Dark

And it’s one more shot in the dark One more day waking up Feeling that feeling you get In your gut like you know that you just overslept But you Really got nowhere to be It’s another day passing avoid interaction Avoiding the fact that if someone comes at me It really don’t matter I’m not in the practice of hitting you back Unless your doing something for me God Damn No I don’t think you understand no I just wanna be a man but I ain’t acting like a man no I don’t think this was the plan no I don’t think I have I have a plan no I’m just drifting through this I’m not getting through this I’m not fit to do this How can it override every decision I wanted to make Intentions I wanna be great But actions the only one talking I wanted to stop but I’m walking this way To the block where I don’t have a place But they leave me alone by the tone on my face They can tell that I’m there for the product Their selling no blame it’s a problem this problem creates Gotta Lotta mistakes and I contemplate taking my life on the daily I’ve fallen from grace Tryn to keep scheming withdrawal and I shake more through hours a day than I don’t Friends that I hang with their names getting carved into stone Go from apartment to home to apartment then car and I’m starving and part of me knows That it’s only a matter of time That it’s only a matter of getting a batch from the kitchen That’s not as consistently mixed on that factory line But at this point it’s almost a thrill just to have any feeling at all Aside from the pain so I shoot And I fall even further from grace as I wait for the call GOD Damn I just wanna be a man I don't think you understand I ain’t acting like a man So it’s one more shot in the dark One more dimly lit bathroom That the clerk at the gas station hands me to the key to I sense all the judgement hes passing But I’d rather it that then get seen in my car N risk losing the place that I crash in Cuz the couches to sleep on they all went away Like the family fed up with my madness Oh God damn no I don’t think you understand no I just wanna be a man but I ain’t acting like a man no I don’t think this was the plan no I don’t think I have I have a plan no I’m just drifting through this I’m not getting through this I’m not fit to do this How can it override everything And my mother she paid me a visit while I was embracing the sickness I’ll never forget it The last time I saw her was two years before that I hate to relive it As dead as I was on the inside I channeled her energy I couldn’t help but feel hopeless inside Of that moment my Tears started falling and I just felt broken She just looked older she had no emotion She looked right at me her face it was frozen I’ll never forget what she said I'll wait for the call that your dead And she told me she’s knows that is prolly the last time She’ll ever be able to see me alive.... And she left When she hugged me goodbye It was so disconnected and yet so was I Damn no I don’t think you understand how it feels to be in it every minute is a week Every night no sleep Every high so deep But it goes so quick and if I don’t leap Then I might not make it and if I don’t make it then my life was cheap Was it all for nothing And my mind keeps racing I’m sick to my stomach Why am I so weak And I’m thinking damn I just wanna be a man I don't think you understand I’m not acting like a man So it’s One more shot in the dark And this one was different I had to sit with All of that pain and the guilt and the shame And the drugs they would no longer fix it And I hit a place where if I didn’t change I was goin insane I had no one to blame Except me and myself and I fell to my knees and I made a decision to live I made a decision to be what I thought I could be I saw that the problem is me and I got to my feet And I started to feel a new sense of direction as small as a seed But a seed was enough and it sprouted a tree And I started to breathe and with God as my witness I’ll follow it through to the end everyday and I’ll follow my Dreams yeah