I'm Sorry I Was a Coward

There are many like us Still don't know what I am, still haven't figured myself out yet Be gentle with my heart I feel so close to death (close to death) (I am waiting for...) I am waiting for the day I am free and fearless again, these things take time Happiness has to be fought for, it is worth fighting for I know I'll be okay You will be okay too if you hold on long enough We've always been here and we always will be here You're never as alone as you think Love yourself, stay safe, stay strong Be proud of yourself Being queer is scary But we can't help it, because we love who we love I love that I'm queer, I love that I have queer friends I love that we're thriving despite the erasure I'm not sure if I love you but I feel safe in your arms I was longing for your lips, the delicacy, the tenderness, and the enchantment to stop time for a while It was grey and drizzling and I was in pain But when we kissed for the first time, all of that melted away, leaving only you at the centre of my universe You came and changed the weather We kissed and our stars collided Everything was suddenly clear and calm I could feel the static on my lips for two hours I felt those butterflies people talk about The earth stopped moving I did not know euphoria could feel this good. We fell in love before I knew I was capable of falling I am living a real dream You told me you had feelings for me I'm not sure I have any feelings at all If I died today that would be enough My love for you is silent but loud Good memories were made here, pity they're only memories now How painful it is to live by our nature in this geography of the Earth You went abroad and everything changed I wish things were not this complicated I wish I had the courage to do something about it I wish I could come back I just hope you're well I felt feelings so hard that I fell through the ground You break my heart with every word you speak to me 'cause I'm so fucking in love I know queer people are everywhere but it never felt like that I don't want to hurt my family, but I cannot live a Lie I never wanted to be this way Constantly between happiness and pain Still unlearning shit I internalized I did violence to my own heart We performed love against the law I wish I could kiss you without shame But I played the part I was expected to I outshined and I overcompensated to be loved I got tired of waiting The walls came down, and still are, one brick at a time No matter how many laws they impose You can't take my God away from me F*ck the bigots This town is full of fake bullying teenagers Being gay here fucking sucks Why do I still feel so ashamed? I am always in danger of losing my life I'm terrified I contemplated throwing myself off the rocks I still hate you for how much you made me love you I want to hate you so bad but I can't (I've always imagined you and me sitting out in the sun, hand and hand, free at last We spoke of all the places we would go if we could, yet you are gone now If I had known that bombs raining down on us would take you from me I would have gladly told the world how I adored you more than anything) I'm sorry I was a coward You died in the bombing I think a big part of me died too And soon I will be dead I'm not leaving my home, come what may. It seems a hundred years ago But I'll probably think of you every day I would trade anything to go back I will kiss you in heaven I adored you more than anything I will love you forever, my sunshine I'm sorry I was a coward