19 Years of Thinking

Winter wind put redness on my nose tip Lost my self in the snow I just didn't notice My thoughts echoed in my head until my mindset Imploded Blank slate and I watched my experiences remold it You and me don't exist because I've sacrificed my separateness But i still rap to reaffirm my delusion of specialness But wanna me the best mc Rapping just makes me feel like me And I wish I didn't rap and I could sit in silence I know my truth but have trouble to internalize it Normal thoughts to myself are a internal crisis And now my own mind I don't even identify with Every thought structure is self consuming When your obsessed how it's self consuming This is the best my mental health has ever been Is my depression some form of spiritual atonement Cuz all the gurus say you need to lose your sense of self But my hole life my mind has been doing that to its self And then I doubt myself and tell myself that this is crazy And it reinforces the thought cycle that I'm explaining And this bifurcating pattern is the same in all of creation Human history graphs in triangle formations Now I feel obligated to bring my thoughts back and share them with you But that directly contradicts the stillness that I know to be true What do I do Cuz my mind split in 2 Is it a invisible landscape or a land of advanced faith Trying to hold on but how much can my hands take 19 Years of thinking trapped me stagnant in this void space Time to step into my shadow And I cannot be afraid So I just sit and wait So I just sit and wait So I just sit and wait For eternal bliss And replay this song when I forget life is impermanent I made this song trying to print my mind in material I guess this is a lesson I'm still learning bit by bit My mind is a maze of spiritual cliches Memory keepsakes And rap lyrics for days It's time for my embrace This is the first song I ever made that I feel is truly by Nate