Dream About Dad

So I never got to tell you my dream about dad … yea, he was at this party and, um, I think it was a math department thing or something. Anyway I was there with somebody I feel close to. I would think it would be Juan, but I don't know, it could have been someone else. And anyway I was, I was watching him. And I realized, I really love how he was when he was social, and he was laughing and his eyes were lit up. And I noticed that over time at this party he was ... morphing ... into different times, you know, in his own self. Like at one moment he looked like he did when he was younger, you know, like in the eighties, I guess how I remember him from photos or something, and then in the next he was much older, like, before he got sick. And for one moment I kinda got jealous. And he said, Katie, it's so good to see you! And then he threw his arms around me and gave me a big hug. Yea, and then the dream was over And told you not to come and I told you not to come and I told you Jealousy eats you alive makes you do what you don’t want to Have you not heard what they’ve been saying? What makes you think you’re not misbehaving? Jealousy makes the world go round—that’s what they said When they found her Reading the book you sent I find myself looking for you on every page ... it's as though I could feel you through the words that you've underlined ... like, if I touched the ink that touched your pen that touched your hand ... then I could pull you through the pages you've underlined. I'm greedy for every page you've dog-eared. I'm fascinated by you. I want to imagine you reading; where do you read? I want to imagine which parts touched you the most, and maybe I can access you--your birth, your youth, your motherhood, your old age. your death. I'm ripe to access you entirely And told you not to come and I told you not to come and I told you Unhinged! Unhinged one is clear, unhinged we are broken Our souls are blown open--to see and be seen I'm fascinated with the hand that touched this pen, that left this ink That I can touch with my own hand Mother Are you alive?