Squeaky Clean

Dwelling in the past flashbacks to when I was young Who'd ever thought that this is what I'd become Goin through this difficult time, I find it hard to believe Why I never stopped to grief I love my parents, and I deeply respect them But sometimes I think about way back when There was a fight everyday, often times more For 18 years, I'd cover my ears I hoped and prayed that it would all go away But deep down I knew it would only stop on that day Divorce, I felt like my heart was torn But I talked to nobody, it's just how I was born And now I feel like I'm on this same path Of doomed love, for eternity out of my grasp When I feel that I have it I try my best to cling But love isn't so simple, so it will sting me Out of reality and into depression I guess this is where it comes in, the repression I try to hold it until it feels like too much Then I explode in self-loathing, I use it as a crutch I realized I was killing myself, it was all for naught Only made ideas fester, and emotions rot Self-solutions can only go so far Overtime it just raises the bar I pretend to be strong, and I guess sometimes I am But there's only so much my heart can cram So I tell my friends, even though I feel so embarrassed Confident exterior, but it's apparent To them that I'm not feeling as I should And they help me, more than I ever could I love them for that, don't know where I'd be without them I try to explain my problems, but in the end it stems From the desire for validation and value And I feel like I'm useless when I don't have you But it's crazy how far that I've come since way back then I ignored love for everyone, I won't do that again C'mon, baby baby c'mon There's gotta be a better way to heal This wasn't the deal Everything in life just gets in my way And I just can't wait another fucking day And I can't stop thinking about you And I'm all out of ideas on what to fucking do Mental snapped, so I can't react To what you say anymore, so out the door I'll go, walk away in a straight line And I'll keep telling you that I'm fine 'Cause sometimes I am, they just can't understand What my brain is on, and I don't know either C'mon, step away from the screen You don't need that dopamine C'mon, you're not a broken machine We're gonna start squeaky clean C'mon, step away from the screen You don't need that dopamine C'mon, you're not a broken machine We're gonna start squeaky clean Wait, you're right, I gotta stop this now Can't let it take over again, every time I vow That I wouldn't fall into this trap So I picked up this mic and started to rap The most cathartic thing for me is hip hop The ultimate expression, so I'm never gonna stop So take everything I say to your heart Nothing can tear me and my beats apart