it wasn't what i wanted

"It began the night of our January school play Not my self consciousness, but my story of overcoming it We had a party onstage after the play Oh, I wasn't in the cast Not me I was on the stage crew Because- but I'll tell you about that later" Dishes piling up in my bed And I can't keep things straight No, I can't keep things straight Mentholated cigarette in my hand And I can't take a drag You can keep the pack I won't eat you can leave it out for the ants They've become my friends I'm squishing them in my hands For my special friend For my special friend For my special friend Don't read, delete all my texts I'm not coming back That's not what I meant I know how to get a second chance I can't take that debt It's not worth the fret You know by now I'm a mess I won't put you through the rest I can't put you through the rest ("And the words didn't want to come out") For my special friend ("And she was staring at- was my face broken out again?") For my special friend ("And I remembered coming out to try out for this play") ("Boy I really wanted the part, I felt sure I could get one too, until-") For my special friend ("Uh- I'm I'm not going to try out. Uh- I'd like to work on stage crew") ("The stage crew... well it was fun") ("But it wasn't what I wanted")