The Unicorn Song

I’ve been looking all of my life For that special someone Who fits just right I feel I deserve it I’ve done a lot of therapy It’s clear as day that this would work for me I’ve thought it over I’ve talked it through I know what I’m looking for There’s just one thing to do I’ll tell my wife we need a unicorn Unicorn unicorn A unicorn in our lives To help our sex life survive It’ll be a dream For everyone involved Just us three writhing in a loving ball of kinky sex That we’ll all be good at just cause there’s more of us it’ll improve Yeah a writhing sweaty ball of sex that’s hot to look at No one left out ‘cause we’re all in the groove I’ve seen it work on tv I’ve seen it work on tv Come on baby work for me So now my wife’s on board, yay And we’ve got our list Of rules and attributes and of course her politics We’ll go to a poly happy hour On Thursday at four And once we meet her We’ll lay down the score Here it goes I want a girl who’s attracted to me and my wife Equally so it works out 50/50 every time Mentally stable but emotionally available Good abs and able to f*ck us for days I want a girl who’s a gymnast, why not? She has her own amazing friends but doesn’t date any of them She finds our remarks extremely wise Laughing at our jokes and saying “oh my god, you guys!” If she volunteers with orphans that’s cool Pursuing her phd in global finance Her sweat tastes like rainbows and her nipples are stars We never have to argue she’s emotionally smart We want a girl who’s available Not next wednesday, but the wednesday after from like 2-4:30 And preferably somewhere in the mission, ‘cause that’s where I work but actually if she wanted to just meet me at work we could add like 15 minutes of hangout time just getting to wherever it is we’re going And when we spring it on her that New Year’s should really be just us She’ll be like "totally, that's fine thanks for taking care of yourselves" And when we tell her that we feel that she hasn’t been putting in the work She’ll be like "totally, you guys are everything to me, I get that your connection is the focus here so I will do my best to adapt Just please keep fucking me" And then we would! And now we’re seeking The unicorn of our dreams But we haven’t really been impressed with what we’ve seen Just regular people Everywhere we viewed And all the poly message boards have frankly been rude They call us rookies They call us naive I think they’re just jealous, they don’t like what they see They don’t want us to have our Unicorn unicorn unicorn A unicorn all our own They want to hide us from their Unicorns unicorns unicorns We want one that we can take home It’ll be a dream Stroking her unicorn hair She’ll stay in the guest room ‘Cause she knows it’s hard to sleep when she’s there She’ll be the best sex toy, I mean person, that we’ve used I mean been with, I mean it’ll be great We can show her off when we’re in the right context And when we’re not we’ll just have sex and skip the date I’ve seen it work on tv, I’ve seen it work on tv Come on baby work for me And be my unicorn