A Little Priest

MRS. LOVETT:Seems a downright shame...TODD: Shame?LOVETT:Seems an awful waste...Such a nice, plump frameWot's 'is name has...Had...Has!Nor it can't be traced...Bus'ness needs a lift,Debts to be erased...Think of it as thrift,As a gift,If you get my drift!No?Seems an awful waste...I mean, with the price of meatWhat it is,When you get it,If you get it...TODD: HAH!LOVETT:Good, you got it!Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop!Bus'ness never better using only pussycats and toast!And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most!And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste![Simultaneously]TODD:Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notionLOVETT:Well, it does seem a waste...TODD:Eminently practicalAnd yet appropriate as always!LOVETT:It's an idea...TODD:Mrs. Lovett, how I've livedWithout you all these years, I'll never know!How delectable!Also undetectable!LOVETT:Think about it!Lots of other gentlemen'llSoon be comin' for a shave,Won't they?Think ofAll themPies!TODD:How choice!HowRare!TODD:For what's the sound of the world out there?LOVETT:What, Mr. Todd?What, Mr. Todd?What is that sound?TODD:Those crunching noises pervading the air!LOVETT:Yes, Mr. Todd!Yes, Mr. Todd!Yes, all around!TODD:It's man devouring man, my dear!BOTH:And [LOVETT: Then] who are we to deny it in here?TODD: (spoken) These are desperate times,Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for!LOVETT: Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!TODD: What is that?LOVETT:It's priest. Have a little priest.TODD:Is it really good?LOVETT:Sir, it's too good, at least!Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,So it's pretty fresh.TODD:Awful lot of fat.LOVETT:Only where it sat.TODD:Haven't you got poet, or something like that?LOVETT:No, y'see, the trouble with poet is'Ow do you know it's deceased?Try the priest!TODD: (spoken) Heavenly!Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps,but then again, not as bland as curate, either!LOVETT:And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin' more!Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!Lawyer's rather nice.TODD:If it's for a price.LOVETT:Order something else, though, to follow,Since no one should swallow it twice!TODD:Anything that's lean.LOVETT:Well, then, if you're British and loyal,You might enjoy Royal Marine!Anyway, it's clean.Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!TODD:Is that squire,On the fire?LOVETT:Mercy no, sir, look closer,You'll notice it's grocer!TODD:Looks thicker,More like vicar!LOVETT:No, it has to be grocer --It's green!TODD:The history of the world, my love --LOVETT:Save a lot of graves,Do a lot of relatives favors!TODD:Is those below serving those up above!LOVETT:Ev'rybody shaves,So there should be plenty of flavors!TODD:How gratifying for once to knowBOTH:That those above will serve those down below!LOVETT: (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got tinker.TODD: Something... pinker.LOVETT: Tailor?TODD: Paler.LOVETT: Butler?TODD: Subtler.LOVETT: Potter?TODD: Hotter.LOVETT: Locksmith?Lovely bit of clerk.TODD:Maybe for a lark.LOVETT:Then again there's sweepIf you want it cheapAnd you like it dark!Try the financier,Peak of his career!TODD:That looks pretty rank.LOVETT:Well, he drank,It's a bankCashier.Never really sold.Maybe it was old.TODD:Have you any Beadle?LOVETT:Next week, so I'm told!Beadle isn't bad till you smell it andNotice 'ow well it's been greased...Stick to priest!(spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit stringy,but then of course it's... fiddle player!TODD: No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo player!LOVETT: 'Ow can you tell?TODD: It's piping hot!LOVETT: Then blow on it first!TODD:The history of the world, my sweet --LOVETT:Oh, Mr. Todd,Ooh, Mr. Todd,What does it tell?TODD:Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!LOVETT:And, Mr. Todd,Too, Mr. Todd,Who gets to sell!TODD:But fortunately, it's also clearBOTH:That [L: But] ev'rybody goes down well with beer!LOVETT: (spoken)Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear admiral?TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.LOVETT: With, or without his privates? "With" is extra.TODD: What is that?LOVETT:It's fop.Finest in the shop.And we have some shepherd's pie pepperedWith actual shepherd on top!And I've just begun --Here's the politician, so oilyIt's served with a doily,Have one!TODD:Put it on a bun.Well, you never know if it's going to run!LOVETT:Try the friar,Fried, it's drier!TODD:No, the clergy is reallyToo coarse and too mealy!LOVETT:Then actor,That's compacter!TODD:Yes, and always arrives overdone!I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu!LOVETT: (spoken) Wait! True, we don't have judge yet,but we've got something you might fancy even better.TODD: What's that?LOVETT: Executioner!TODD:Have charity towards the world, my pet!LOVETT:Yes, yes, I know, my love!TODD:We'll take the customers that we can get!LOVETT:High-born and low, my love!TODD:We'll not discriminate great from small!No, we'll serve anyone,Meaning anyone,BOTH:And to anyoneAt all!