Why Do I Do This to Myself?!

Alright, so you say nobody loves you Maybe not, not at all but not the way you do Got your lil boyfriend, probably feelin' confused I would've done it but don't wanna look a damn fool You only know part, the one that wants to bone ya Never got to see the side that would care to hold ya Index traces your cheek, brushes back a lock of hair My feelings are still present despite wishing they weren't there I fought this battle for least a year and I wanna let go But I can't move on, I'm feeling stuck, froze I just wanna come clean, I got a lump I'm gonna choke Who knew these emotions would be so cutthroat If we were on a life boat with no room for two You've seen the titanic right? You know what I'd wanna do I'd freeze to death just so you wouldn't drown But would you be a mess as you witnessed me go down? *Texting* Wow, okay... I'd offer you a night over just to get out Not for sex, maybe smoke and for some chow We'd have a conversation about our lives now But you'd just assume I'm pushin' for the pound I'm no fucking clown, so don't take me for one I'm no tool either and won't be used like some Sucks that when we talk I act like it's all fun When all I want is your love and I'm getting none I should just get a gun and put the barrel to my temple Pull the trigger so my head pops like just a pimple Just to get away but it's not that simple I just can't escape that smile and those dimples This is my issue, I tend to fall for the crazy Been careful with my heart but seems I'm failing lately I wanna give it to you, see if you'll hold it gracefully Or stomp it in the ground, spit in my face and say you hate me *Drinking a shot* *Gags* You say we're friends, then you say you don't have any Last time I was this hurt, a lover became an enemy One moment said she loved me the next she's pretending Tried to keep me on edge so she could have a tether on me Never again, my homie, would much rather be lonely But every time I think of you I can't help but feel sorry I gotta put the feels down or hang 'em up Gonna get me nowhere anyway just like dating does But f*ck, this feeling to me feels like wealth The only possible way to buy good health Butterflies flutter in my stomach in abundance The only gleeful sensation in this hell I try to live well before they toll my bell Before they call me up but dammit, seems I fell I fell for you, is it mutual I can't tell Why in the f*ck do I do this to myself?